even if you left me hanging - by the finger - on the eightieth storey of a building, i wouldn't be as afraid as i am whenever dinner with your family comes around. there's so much i'm afraid of and before now, i could hardly explain why.
let me rule out several possible reasons -
1) i'm not good enough for their son
i'm not the smartest, the most articulate or knowledgeable. i can't sing, dance, paint or write poetry. i'm not wealthy. i'm no humanitarian. i don't have any medals to adorn my neck, unless you count the ones which are now seven years old. i'm not strikingly beautiful, exotic or exceptional in any way. i don't know how to cook, bake or clean. i can't even say with confidence that any of the three local universities will accept me. i haven't won any major contests, even in my field. i've only ever been a participant or runner-up at best. i'm not much.
all i can offer is my love and affection, the promise to be devoted, supportive and kind to their son.
2) i don't want to fuck up
before i met you, i cursed. a lot. when excited, frustrated and especially when i drink. what if i let one slip? what if i imply that i used to smoke. that i have a tattoo. no, wait. four tattoos. my experiences are so different from yours. unlike most tertiary students, i've never been on an exchange program or cip trip. i've had no cca, only serving as president to an organisation that has a name too long to remember and its function too tough to explain. how do i share that my father is a beach bum and my mum, a discontent housewife. what if i come off as a spoilt princess. friends who are planning to study at the world's best universities? none that i can speak of. i don't have any exciting holiday plans lined up or a day job i can be excited about at the moment.
the only stories really worth sharing are the bad experiences i've had to learn from... like being dumped by a guy who drove his father's car without a license and subsequently crashed it, being a third wheel to the relationship of a 28 year old colleague, going from straight to bisexual to lesbian and finally becoming straight again. maybe one more thing worth mentioning - the point at which i decided i'd cut off all contact with my drug-dealing friends......these aren't things i can tell to your folks, can i.
what do i say when really, all i've been doing is bumming around. yes, i'm learning french now... but nothing substantial enough to boast about. i've been reading about slavery, rape, the (dismal) moral state we're in but these probably won't make for a lighthearted meal conversation. hmm, lets see. i spend the rest of my time waiting on my army boyfriend's text messages or in his room having sexual intercourse.
help. what do i say? i compliment the fish on the dinner table. i've even gone as far as to ask what the species is. thats how desperate i am to find a topic of conversation. i freeze, every fucking time. see, i swore again.
___________
it would really help if you brought up something at the dinner table. so that i can have a conversation with you where your folks can jump in and give their two cents worth... rather than me trying to grasp at straws, thinking of something i can say which won't make me sound like an idiot. my father may have grilled you at first sight but do you know that its way easier to answer questions than to initiate a conversation? it really is. the last thing i want to do is appear anti-social or seem like a person without sensible, reasonable thoughts.
i'm terrible at making small talk.
